“I’ve got voices in my head
And they are so strong
And I’m getting sick of this
Oh Lord, how long…
But if I let these dreams die
If I lay down all my wounded pride
If I let these dreams die
Will I find, that letting go lets me come alive?” Empty my hands by Tenth Avenue North

Lately, I have been in a haze. (Trust me when I say I was not familiar with the word “haze” until a couple minutes ago when I was pleading with God to give me words for my soul!)
So His Spirit whispered to my soul, “you have been in a haze.” And the first thing I did after that is open up the dictionary to see what that word means!
These are two definitions that captured my heart:

haze
1. vagueness or obscurity, as of mind or perception
2. to make or become lazy

And these two definitions couldn’t be more true of my heart and my life for the last months.

My pursuit of God was vague and extremely lazy! I knew something was not right in my spirit for the last couple weeks and I was confused to what that might be! But two days ago the Lord was clear as day that He wasn’t pleased with me! I just prayed and asked God, what is it? It wasn’t until last night that He pointed out my main problem: you forgot your first love!

The Loveless Church

“To the angel of the church of Ephesus write,
‘These things says He who holds the seven stars in His right hand, who walks in the midst of the seven golden lamp stands: “I know your works, your labor, your patience, and that you cannot bear those who are evil. And you have tested those who say they are apostles and are not, and have found them liars; and you have persevered and have patience, and have labored for My name’s sake and have not become weary. Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lamp stand from its place- unless you repent.
“He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give to eat from the tree of life, which is in the midst of the Paradise of God.” Revelation 2:1-5,7

You know what astounded me from these verses we just read? This Church is doing “the right things”, the godly things we aspire to, right?
-Patient,
-not bearing with those who are evil
-testing those who say they are apostles and are not
-persevering
-and (most beautifully?) laboring for God’s name sake and not becoming weary

but guess what, you can do all those godly beautiful things, and God may still not be pleased!

Lord God, please have mercy on us!! We beg You…

Lord God, I will NOT write for show what I don’t mean from the bottom of my heart! So Lord, please hear my words,

“I fervently repent of all the ways I haven’t sought after Your heart earnestly!! I repent for all the things I found beautiful besides You. I am grieved that I turned from Your face for all these weeks! How long have I grieved You Papa, how long will You have to put up with my dirtiness, with my pride and sin? That all these weeks You still showed me the works of Your hands? That You still whispered *and* shouted Your love for me! Forgive me Dad, and take me back to the place of wanting You for You! I want NOTHING ELSE but You. I want to please NO ONE ELSE but You. I surrender ALL I am to Your feet. To my find my worth at Calvary, where You BLED for me… Jesus, *please* forgive me for making you bleed with hurt and disappointment! You deserve better and in Your strength I will seek You with *everything* I am and I have! Sure thing, I will fall! But the word is true and it testifies that we *have* the power through Jesus Christ to seek You wholeheartedly. I will have faith and trust in You, because You ALWAYS do what You say You will do!! Empty me of myself, Father God! In Jesus’ name and power I pray and I wholeheartedly believe, AMEN”

One thing that I realized in the last couple of days is that God can AND will still do miracles in your life *even when* He is not pleased with you in some areas of your life! So please, don’t confuse seeing miracles of God to being close to God! Please don’t make that mistake! Why?

God is faithful to His Word regardless of your disobedience and unbelief!

Times after times, we see stories in the Bible of people who doubted God but still He did what He had promised them! Because that’s who God is, FAITHFUL to the END!

To name a few:
There is the story of Zacharias who doubted God when he was told he will bear a son! (Luke 1:13-18) But guess what, “So it was, as soon the days of Zacharias were completed, that he departed to his own house. Now after those days his wife Elizabeth conceived; and she hid herself five months, saying, “Thus the Lord has dealt with me, in the days when He looked on me, to take away my reproach among my people”. Luke 1:23-25

There is also the story of Sarah who laughed when she heard that she will have a son! And the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh, saying, ‘shall I surely bear child, since I am old?’ Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.” Genesis 18:13-14

You see? Nothing, I mean literally NOTHING can keep God from doing what He said He will do! Not your sin, not your unbelief, not what You think of Him, not your pride, NOTHING!

And this is where we get in trouble. This is going to be harsh but it is true: a lot of *us* Christian boast and enjoy the gifts of God more than we want God! We settle for people’s amazement of our gifts not God’s Words! We tell ourselves, “I must be pleasing God since He is blessing me much”.
And shamefully some of us may wonder- I honestly believe the enemy tempted me with this last night- he said something like “why not just enjoy and be thankful for the gifts of God? why go the *extra mile* to have the fullness of God?” This sounds harmless but the end of it would be disastrous. You will enjoy the gifts He gives without Him and before you know it, you have removed Him from the throne of your heart! Trust me, I am speaking from experience.
Thankfully when the enemy whispered those lies to my heart, the Spirit of God in me responded, “I don’t want ANYTHING apart from God!

I love You Jesus…
thank You for rebuking me in my pride and negligence of pursuing You!
Thank You for being relentless in wanting ALL of me!!
Thank You for wanting eternity with me?!!

How Great is Your love…

I will pursue You Lord, not perfectly but earnestly and that’s what You require of me! I don’t know what relentless, *total* devotion to You looks like, but I know Your heart for me!! I will follow Your leading Father God… 

“So empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
oh, EMPTY my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
With You
With You, Lord…”

Empty my hands by Tenth Avenue North

And Jesus? I NEED You more than I EVER needed You in my life!!!

“Thus my heart was grieved,
And I was vexed in my mind.
I was so foolish and ignorant;
I was like a beast before You.
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You hold me by my right hand.
You will guide me with Your counsel,
And afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire
besides You. (Yes Papa!!)
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For indeed, those who are far from You shall perish;
You have destroyed all those who desert You for harlotry.
But it is good for me to draw near to God;
I have put my trust in the Lord God,
That I may declare all Your works.” Psalms73:21-28

I am giggling at the truth of eternity with You… You are mine. I am Yours. And that is simply enough.