Life is rarely what you always expected. More times than you wish to admit, you feel like “you are behind”. Things didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to turn out. In this year, you wanted to be further than you are right now but life held you back.

It is the aching that no one understands.
It is the tears that no one sees.
It is the joy that no one can comprehend.
It is the being afraid of the unexpected.
It is the secret you wouldn’t want anyone to know. 

Sometimes life hurts.  And you quietly hold it in and simply smile, hoping that no one would know and see that your heart breaks each morning you step your foot on the floor.
How could life be this hard when we have God? (How dare I type this question, right?) Grant me grace as I share my heart?
Life is hard but God never promised it to be easy.
Life is hard but God is always nearer than breath itself.
Life is hard as a reminder that this is not home. If it was easy, would we long for a better home? A better home with our Savior?

The day had been good. She could smell the changing of season and see the start of spring; and she could feel the sunshine on her skin too. She had decided to get a car wash;  maybe she hoped that the outside wash/scrubbing would somehow also wash her sinful inside, her wicked heart?
She had been struggling with how twisted and dark her heart was.

How could she be this broken? How could she be this sinful? Why would God still want to be in her life? As she was in line at the car wash, and the gentleman told her to drive forward, he said this: put the car in neutral.
The gentleman had repeated his words twice to her – a reminder that she has never been good at following instructions. As the car was in neutral, and they started scrubbing and washing the car, she quietly closed her eyes and whispered: “how could you see this dark heart of mine, and still want to be in my life? You can still leave me now, because I would totally understand…”
Sometimes it makes more sense to me if God left me.

“But Jesus looked at them and said, “with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible”. Matthew 19:26

She wanted to believe with everything in her that all things are indeed possible with God, that her heart can can be purified. That her heart can be renewed everyday, each morning, and each moment. She wanted to believe so bad that no one is ever too ugly for God to leave them!

Yes, your heart can be purified daughter…

For Christ-followers, our lives are like cars in the car wash.

You accept Jesus Christ, and immediately He wants your life to be in neutral. When the car is in neutral at the car wash it keeps being pushed forward but you, as the driver, are not in control! God doesn’t want you in control, and He will do anything to remove any control you think you have in your life.

But God, why am I not moving forward?
“You are, but not the way you expected…”
We want to move forward while we are in the “drive” gear not “neutral”. We want to know that we are responsible for moving our lives forward, but God whispers, how would you learn trust, faith, dependency on Me, and letting go if you were in charge of your life?

As the car is in neutral and it is being pushed forward and cleaned at the same time so our life goes. God is in control, and we may feel like we are in a neutral situation or season but He is pushing us forward as He is purifying us through every moment of our days, months, and years.

The scary part of a car wash?

When you are halfway through and you can’t see ahead; Thoughts start to swirl, what if these machines stopped working and I got stuck? What would happen to me? What if these machines had a malfunction and they killed me instantly? A thousand thoughts cross your mind, but you have got one choice: stay still in the car.
Just like with God, you rarely see where you are going. And most days,? Uncertainties fill your mind? (for those of us who would be honest enough to admit that?)
God, what if this thing You want me to do doesn’t work out? Is this what You want me to do anyways, or did I hear wrong?
To make it through this life as a faithful follower of Christ, you have got one choice: “Be still and know He is God. He will be exalted among the nations, He will be exalted in the earth.” The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.” Psalm 46:10

“When you said yes to me what were you expecting?”, He had asked.

I came to give you eternal life, not to make your life full of earthly pleasures. John 10:27-28
I came to give you Me, not whatever you want… Am I not enough for you?

“And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “this is My body which is given for you; do this in remembrance of Me. Likewise He also took the cup after supper, saying, this cup is the new covenant in My blood, which is shed for you.” Luke 22:19-20

Am I not enough for you?

In the deepest corners of your heart, is Christ enough for you? Yeah I know, it’s easy to just say yes because you have accepted Christ in your life. But take a good look at your life for a moment? do you live like Christ is enough for you? Do you say yes to whatever He asks with joy?
Do you enjoy spending time with Him more than anything else in this world? Does your heart break more when He says no to your plans than it breaks when you disobey Him?

I am speechless, I know my heart and my answers to these questions. I don’t know what to say… I don’t know what to write…

Father God, my heart literally breaks at how little my love is for You!
I am so sorry that I don’t trust You enough everyday…
I am so sorry that sometimes I prefer talking about being the light instead of actually being the light.
Forgive me of my self-absorption!
God, I am so sorry that more times than I dare to admit, I want my will more than I want Yours and this sickens me.
Oh the day when I will not sin against You anymore…

Oh Father God, may Your blood always, always, always purify me…

As the car stepped out of the car wash, I was amazed at how beautiful the car looked. I was thankful for the minutes spent in the dark with the machines scrubbing the car. And that’s what God wants us to know, if we let Him have control in our lives, if we let Him have His way in our lives, we will be amazed at the day of His coming.
We will be amazed at how beautiful we will look with our bridegroom on our side.
No pain will ever compare to the joy of that day.
No hardship would ever measure up to the love we will experience that day. No uncertainty would be worth remembering at His sight.

“But as it is written:

Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,
nor have entered into the heart of man
The things which God has prepared for those who love Him” 1 Corinthians 2:9

I can push through because there is a better day coming…
Yes, I can have the fullness of joy because I am waiting for the One who loves me unconditionally.
Yes, I can have peace because He is more faithful than I will ever be able to comprehend.
Yes, I can smile at the days ahead because I know who I am following…
I know without a doubt, tomorrow I will probably fail again.

But it’s worth all the world’s pain and heartache to fail in His arms…