My heart is broken. or more like shattered. To be honest, I don’t know why or maybe I do know why. The moon is bright outside. Its light never stops giving of itself in the face of the dark. Will I die to myself and let His light in me shine in this dark world?

I should be studying, I have deadlines back to back, I started a third course yesterday, but at this moment nothing makes sense than to write. To search for words for my broken heart. My failing heart. I feel too much. Maybe I care more than I should? And some days ask for more than I could possibly give. Why do people take delight in lying about others? But why should I care? My mind runs wild.

But the heart of God doesn’t walk away from hard moments, the heart of God leans in harder.
The people I desperately want to walk away from are the ones that need love the most.
The moments I mostly want to run away from are the very moments that instigate growth in me.

1 Kings 19:1-4

“And Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, also how he had
executed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying,

“So let the gods do to me, and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time.” And when he saw that, he arose and ran for his life, and went to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there. But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he prayed that he might die, and said, “It is enough! Now, Lord, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers!”

Elijah had just executed all the false prophets- roughly 800, why was he afraid of Jezebel and running away? I heard these verses the other day and I was puzzled because I couldn’t understand why Elijah would fear one woman after all that the Lord had done through him and for him in 1 Kings 18:20-46. He was a man of God and did amazing miracles that displayed the mightiness of God.

Called and still afraid

When I was listening to the above verses I wanted to ask Elijah, “brother, you literally just slaughtered roughly 800 false prophets, why are you afraid now?” But before I could ask those words, my heart and mind knew that I had done the same.

Who hasn’t feared the very same things God has won over for us?
Who hasn’t feared people when we shouldn’t?

This brokenness of the heart of choosing anything but God. The chasing of things that will not satisfy. The desiring of things that will literally ruin us. The fearing of where He is calling us.

I don’t know about you, but I want to be bold wherever God calls me. Or should I say, I want to bravely put on God’s boldness wherever He calls, wherever He leads. Even the bravest man we know from the Bible was praying for boldness.

“In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.” Ephesians 6:16-20

Boldness to be everything I’m called to be. Boldness to give up “my rights” for the sake of His name. Boldness to let go of the need of knowing.

For all the days that ask for more than I can possibly give, could You Lord please be my strength?

His heart in us

How about the brokenness and the shattering of the heart of loving people who want nothing but to crush you? People who really work hard at humiliating you and find pleasure in lying about you? And God keeps nudging my heart to love these people. And I am like, God, can’t see You that they are stabbing me? And He nods, “yes, I can see that, keep loving them.”

I remember couple months ago I was talking to my little brother and I really can’t recall what we were talking about, but he said something like “Gisèle, you have a weak heart. No, sorry; you have a weak soul.” And I smiled when he said that because I was realizing that he was right.

Sometimes I feel so sad and broken and I just want to cry. But as the Bible says, “…Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5b Oh how I have clung to this verse countless times!
Sitting in the fire hurts, doesn’t it?
God, what if I can’t be strong enough?

“But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I gave Egypt for your ransom,
Ethiopia and Seba in your place.
Since you were precious in My sight,
You have been honored,
And I have loved you;
Therefore I will give men for you,
And people for your life.
Fear not, for I am with you;
I will bring your descendants from the east,
and gather you from the west;” Isaiah 43:1-5

Maybe I don’t have to be brave. I *hate* feeling weak. I play loud music and try to get out of sadness. But what if there is nothing wrong about being sad and siting in sadness?

“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Sometimes doing what’s right feels like death, and standing up to what’s right is so darn crushing. And we have to sit in this tension. I have learned to sit in this tension and to not quickly get out of it. To cry my eyes out in the night and then when morning comes to rise and go shine His light in me!

This fire hurts…
But I am making you like Me.
Still, it hurts…
This fire is making you who you want to be: Holy.

I will hold your heart. I am holding your heart.

I can’t tell you how thankful I am that God sees and understands the scars on my heart when I utterly have no words.

Most of the times crying people don’t want to be told what’s the “right thing” to do or asked “what’s wrong?”. To be honest, being asked “what’s wrong?” makes me cry more in that moment. I just want a person to just be there and that’s it- no words and no asking. And that’s what God beautifully does, He holds us and pours His love in us yet again to remind us that we have Him. Always.
Holy wonder! We always get to have God.

His love in us becomes our brave!

“You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8

Your love in me is my strength!
Your love for me echoes through time!
Your comfort shatters every sorrow!
Your grace softens my heart again!
Tomorrow I will love again!
Tomorrow I will let you love through me again!

And tomorrow she will be alright, she always is; even in her brokenness she knows she is whole because wholeness is who you are when Jesus is in you. She always has praise to make her soar on His wings.

“When all I have is just a whisper
You breathe in me a new song
You take me back and I’ll remember
The joy of my first love

Praise will be my song
How can I contain it?
I cannot contain this love
For what we lacked Your blood has covered
What we get is what You paid for
Cause through Your death our lives reborn
The joy of our salvation

I’ll shout out!
I will sing of Your love for me
As You reach I can feel You all around…” Praise will be my song by Bryan & Katie Torwalt

It is well. It is well with my soul.